Memorial's Message
by magical m
Summary: Memorial stirs up some old issues for Kathryn and Chakotay


Title: Memorial's Message

Author: M

Rating: T

Episode/Summary: Short Angsty piece. A conflict in the command team takes place after Memorial.

Janeway reclined on her couch by candlelight. Satisfied with the results of her latest project she enthusiastically updated Chakotay.

"Kim and Torres have successfully recalibrated the Memorial's generator. It should remain operational for another several hundred years and Kim has installed back up safety systems to prevent a reoccurrence of the memorial's malfunction. Tuvok and the Doctor have calculated a safe circumference from Tarakis for all known species, even the most telepathic, and will be taking out a shuttle to deposit the warning buoys. I'd say we have successful reinstated the Tarakis Memorial. It can continue to function according to its original design and we've done our best to warn passersby of its disturbing content."

Typically very comfortable with their weekly dinners together, Chakotay seemed distracted and unsettled.

Noticing his feigned interest in her conversation, Janeway reconsidered her obvious enthusiasm. She asked, "Commander, I know that you would've preferred we dismantle it but surely the precautions we have taken must ease some of your concern?"

Lifting his gaze from his hands folded in his lap and slowly exhaling he answered, "It is a little more complicated than that."

"Complicated? How?"

"Captain, it is one thing to fix the Memorial so that it can continue to plant traumatic memories in others… in honor of the Nakan's dead. But it's another to take those experiences- that someone else has made apart of my psyche- and accept them into my life and learn from them."

Chakotay shrugged his shoulders in capitulation that his own opinion didn't change her decision and tried to defuse each word in a gentle tone.

He added, "Personally…I think it is premature to decide what others should experience when we haven't fully realized its ramifications on us."

Janeway rolled her eyes, but catching her irritated expression, she chose to relax instead. Stretching out her legs on the couch, she reminded herself that often she admired her First Officer's deeply introspective nature. That is… _in him_. It is at times like this when he expected it _in her_ that it drove her completely nuts!

Staring at the ceiling she contemplated if she wanted to have this conversation or find some way to call it a night.

"I wonder how the Memorial determines who experiences what memories?"

"Pardon?" She asked too sharply, wondering the relevance of the question.

Chakotay calmly explained himself. "I think, whose memories one experiences impacts ones over all impression of the Memorial. We had distinctly different experiences. You recall the memories of what, a Lieutenant, who stood up to Saavdra over the destruction of the Nakan bodies. I was second in command. If you experienced what I experienced or perhaps the thoughts and feelings of Saavdra, himself, I wonder… would you have the same enthusiasm about preserving the Memorial."

That was just the kind of introspective babble that she hated. Janeway planted both feet on the floor and stood to defend her decision, "What does it matter _whose_ experiences we witness? The point is it happened. The point is it needs to be learned from! The point is it needs to stand as a Memorial of what could happen if…"

Cutting her off Chakotay rose and snapped angrily, "If what Captain?"

As if slapped by anger that she had never before seen him direct towards her, Janeway backed up and braced for the onslaught.

His anger continued to rise, fueled by the trauma fresh in his mind. "How about what would happen _if_ a sleep deprived commanding officer chose to push the limits of his people and failed to anticipate all of the variables in a routine evacuation? And _if _the second in command passively pointed out the pitfalls of the scenario but failed to stop it from happening? That's what I remember. But hell, Kathryn! I've played that role before!"

"This is not about _us,_ Commander."

"To hell it isn't, Kathryn! If that Memorial," Chakotay gestured with his arms out towards the stars, "stands as a message to any two people in the Galaxy it is you and me!"

Kathryn mustered a firm command tone. "Commander, I fail to see…."

"Yes!" He swung an arm around and pointing at her, "That is just it! You fail to see! You fail to see because you fail to look! You fail to look because you refuse to step back! Too damn concerned about getting the job done, you jump in and push through! Just like Saavdra!"

Pacing wildly, he turned to face her again. Grabbing a hold of the back of the arm chair as if to anchor himself, he said with more control, "Oh but I'm not angry at you Kathryn. No, not half as angry as I am with myself, because I do see. But I still choose to stand behind you and …and… any damned 3am caffeine inspired hallucination you choose to lead our ship into!"

"Commander!" Janeway hollered. She briefly contemplated calling security but knowing he was no real threat and guessing he'd never forgive her if she did, she chose to weather the storm.

"And why do I do it? Why do I sit back and risk all?" Stepping into her space, he grabbed her by the shoulders, "Because I'd rather risk the galaxy before risking these moments alone with you. You want people to learn from that memorial, well I have!" A tear streamed down his face as he loosened his grip on her. "I've learned that so far we've been lucky Kathryn. Damn lucky. Think of the holocaust that could have been created from our alliance with the Borg! I shudder at the Memorial that could have been erected for us!

Staring into his eyes, just inches from her face, she coldly asked, "This is about the Borg?"

"You still won't see it. You still won't take a step back and look!"

"Look at what?"

"Look at what could have happened."

Putting her hands on her hips she shrugged off his hold and retorted, "Well as I recall you didn't exactly 'passively follow' my 'caffeine inspired hallucination.'

"Oh but that is where you were wrong! As your First Officer I would have followed you into Hades itself to make your deal with the devil! Just like I obeyed Saavdra and did my part in committing a massacre. But when you were unconscious, the lives of the people on _Voyager_, including yours, fell on my shoulders and I couldn't follow through with your plan. I could not ignore what I saw!"

"What did you see?"

Still standing in her space and staring straight into her eyes, he reported to her, "Kathryn I told you then but you wouldn't listen. Please listen now. I saw that following through with an alliance with the Borg would have resulted in our assimilation. I saw that by putting modified nano-probes into the hands of the Borg we would have been responsible for the utter decimation of Species 8472 and that if the Borg conquered Species 8472, in time they would adapt in their attempts to assimilate 8472 eventually making the Borg even more invincible. On the other hand, I could not begin to calculate the damage that could have been done by making an enemy of a species from an unknown dimension that had enough fire power to make hamburger out of the Borg! I don't know about you but when I saw 8472's Federation replica I got scared. It made me realize we have to be careful what we do out here in the Delta Quadrant. In our schemes to get home we might make someone so angry that our little blue planet could be gone when we get back!"

Her composure was beginning to crack, but fueled by the indignation she felt at him for speaking to her like this, she stared him down. The fear of facing her own vulnerabilities gnawed beneath the surface.

Taking a deep breath, he glanced at the floor and then back into her eyes and gently said, "Kathryn, I have to tell you… you did not 'beat the Borg with coffee' as you are fond of saying. We were just damn lucky, that's all. If you want people to learn from the Nakan massacre then start here. Take a look at your actions and take a look at Saavdra's, because when its crunch time you're in Saavdra's shoes and not that feisty Lieutenant's.

Kathryn was near tears but managed a controlled whisper, "dismissed."

Chakotay glanced down at wine glasses and remnants of dinner and replied sarcastically, "I have been 'dismissed' from dinner with my friend?"

"I said, 'Get Out!'"

They both needed to consider everything he said. Chakotay backed away and quietly left.

Kathryn collapsed on the couch and her whole body shuddered as she released the tears. The horror of his words unfolded in her mind.


End file.
